20 Thursday – Elise Stephens

It’s time for 20 Thursday. We’ve been absent from our series for a couple of weeks. I blame the weather. But this week I’m pleased to welcome fellow Booktrope author, Elise Stephens. She was kind enough to agree to answer my standard Thursday question: what would you tell your 20 year old self.

When I wrote to ask her if she’d be willing, she agreed. Later that same week I met her in person. Oh, I thought, as I approached the table at Starbucks where she sat unlined and beautiful. She’s young! I didn’t realize that 20 was only 5 years ago for her. Regardless, it seems that even five years gives us insight into the past.

Enjoy.

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I think back to the days of boys and the swing dance club.  The days of homework and panic attacks from when my overachieving tendencies came back to bite me in the butt.  My first reaction is to reach out and take my younger self gently by her shoulder and say in a firm voice that I know I will have to listen to…

You are loved.  It’s okay if you don’t achieve perfect scores on everything.  You are loved.  You don’t have to do anything to earn the tile of “beloved.”  God loves you even if you don’t revise that paper.  Dad actually is proud of you.  He’s just still learning how to show it.

Be kind and watch your mouth.  Your tongue is going to get you into trouble.  Try to find ways to vent your anger without your girlfriends hearing you do it.  Gossip is ugly no matter how big of a jerk that guy was to you and no matter how justified you feel in shooting those fiery bullets out of your mouth.  You’re going to grow up to use your words in a big way.  Practice being careful with them now.

Listen to your instincts.  Slow down and listen to what you want from life.  High expectations and goals are great if they’re what you want, but if they’re goals that you let someone else set for you, or if they’re all about you fitting into a perfect box, you’re going to crush your spirit trying to meet them.  So slow down, enjoy the cherry trees in the university quad, and give yourself a little space to dream.  Give yourself permission to hope for big things, little things, things that make you smile.  It’s not selfish to dream, and it’s completely fine to take the risk of hoping for something greater than what you have. You need to take this risk.  Dreaming is honestly truly okay, even if it’s scary, and even if busywork feels a lot safer.

Embrace forgiveness.  People are going to hurt you, deceive you, lie to you, and abandon you in ways that will leave you shocked, enraged, and ready to smash skulls.  Practice saying “I forgive you” even before you’re ready to stop wishing the offender a life of social excommunication.  Practice letting go of the power to punish the people who hurt you.  You’re very smart, but even so, you will still learn what it’s like to be the one who is abused.  You were born with a strong sense of justice, but you need to learn grace.  You need to extend generosity as the mature person, and this is going to be very hard for you.  So practice.  Forgive Dad when he doesn’t seem to be putting in the effort to understand you.  Forgive Mom when she tries to guilt you into spending more time with her.  Forgive your friend when she shares a secret that you gave to her in confidence.  Forgive that guy for dropping you like a hot potato and moving on to someone else.  Forgive yourself for letting that hot temper of yours go ballistic, shooting nasty words out to the person who was never supposed to hear it.

Love Erika like crazy.  I know you call her “Baby,” but your little sister is not so little anymore.  And she really needs your respect as a peer, not as another mothering voice.  Listen to her more than you give her advice.  Don’t let her attitude make you insecure.  She loves you a lot and she’s trying to get out from under your shadow.  Help her by encouraging her to be the creative young woman she is.

Love your family.  They’re attached to you and it’s easy to get enmeshed in your own college circles of friends.  Just don’t forget what they’ve done to get you to where you are now.

Write what you love.  Don’t be afraid of making mistakes; be afraid instead of hesitating and not accepting the new challenges that come across your path.  Write to remember what delights you.  Write to sooth the stress in your chest. Write without any overhanging goal or deadline.  Write because it’s part of you, not because you have anything to show for it.  Work hard, rest hard, love bravely.

Never forget who you are.  Remember that God loves you.  Remember that your family loves you.  Remember that you are beautiful.  Treat yourself gently, as the treasure you are, and resist that urge to brag that you’re a harder taskmaster on yourself than anyone else, because this only leads to depression and tears.  And everyone prefers to see the sweet smiling you.

I’ll say it again: You are loved.  After everything else, no matter how bad you’ve messed up, no matter how much of a wreck you’ve worried yourself into, no matter how good or bad those grades are on that transcript…

None of that changes this: You are deeply, irrevocably, and forever loved.

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Elise Stephens received the Eugene Van Buren Prize for Fiction from the University of Washington in 2007.  When she isn’t writing, she enjoys seeing live theater, swing dancing, eating tiramisu, singing, and painting.  She lives in Seattle with her husband James.  Her novel Moonlight and Oranges was a quarter-finalist for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. Visit her at www.elisestephens.com and follow her on Twitter @elisestephens